Marriage - a retrospective

I've been married for about 1 and a half years, and in that time I have felt myself evolving, being pushed, challenged, and getting forced out of my comfort zone.

There is a strange sort of synchronicity and intimacy that develops when two people live together. I have found this initially terrifying, and now oddly comforting. The S.O* has become someone I rely on with anything and everything. It is he whom I will go to with any sort of a problem and he is the first one I want to share good news with. There are about a million little things that happen throughout the day and I think: "I need to tell him." And he is the only one who can challenge me in his unique way - he sees the world very differently from me.

But let me be the first to admit, it has not been easy, in fact, the exact opposite. I would describe the first year of marriage as being in a pressure cooker. Granted, we had our unique circumstances (for e.g: I was working every weekend, which meant we had very little leisure time together), but I am sure other couples have also experienced the 'first year marriage blues' syndrome. I am very glad to say it seems we have made it through.

Now we have settled into a comfortable routine, I am not working every weekend so we have time to do fun things together. We both still swear by maintaining our individual personalities, but are also nurturing our joint life. As a friend once told me: "A young marriage needs time to be nurtured." Never were there truer words spoken.

I still say I never wanted to get married, but all in all, its been an experience I think I needed. I have grown, so has he. It's not easy, but it is worth it, because it is great living with your best friend... and one you can snuggle up to.

*S.O - Significant Other 

Mother City beckons

There's something about Cape Town that makes me feel it is the beautiful Cinderella of South Africa, and Johannesburg, it's ugly step sister.

The S.O* and I went to the Mother City for a blitz, first year anniversary trip.** I once again fell head over heels in love with Cape Town... the ease of transport, the location, the beach, the vibrancy... there is an atmosphere there that allows me to breath easier, where I can be more myself, and enjoy more outdoor activities.

Johannesburg, however, does have its perks as well. There is a great work ethic in this city, and if there is anything you are looking for in South Africa, you'll probably find it in Johannesburg (except the beach).

The gorgeous Bo Kaap.

Charly's Bakery... 

An early morning walk on the Promenade, with a sea gull to keep me company.  

A trip to the Aquarium. 

All pictures taken by myself. 

And as I publish my blog post, I find this read, "15 Reasons Cape Town Should Be No. 1 On Your Travel Agenda" on Huffington Post. 

*S.O - Significant Other 
**The company I work for sent us on this trip, after I had what I like to call a mini break down due to the intense busyness we were experiencing. 

What's Happening Here?

You reach 30, so do most of your friends ... and suddenly, a baby boom.

It seems most people I know are having babies, talking about babies, or are pregnant. It makes me feel like a weird tourist, pressing my face against a glass, looking in, and merely observing these happenings.

I for one, do not want children. I am as close to being maternal as Pluto is to the sun, even further would be more accurate! Now, here are my reasons why I do not want children, and I know I won't change my mind, no matter how far my internal clock is ticking:

1. Basic maths - why would I want to add to a global population bursting at 7 billion?
2. I'm selfish - I want my time and other resources to be spent on S.0 and I .
3. More goals - I feel I still want to study more, and by George, travel many more countries, and experience so much more...
4. Sleep - I love it, and I need a solid 8 to 9 hours a night - uninterrupted!
5. Maternal skills - I have nothing, nada, zilch, zero... it doesn't mean if I can show a lot of care to the adults in my life, that that is translated to showing it on children.
6. Logic - Some genes should NOT reproduce
7. My nature - I can't talk to, play with, or interact with anyone else's kids. I have not held a baby in my life. Children and I do not mix well at all.
8. Horror movie stuff - I have heard of the process of how the body changes during pregnancy, during birth, and even post childbirth. Horror movies sound more pleasant to me.

I am quite honest and vocal in these personal truths, and I hope I do not offend if it does not fit in with your point of view. And no matter whose child is put before me, these will still be my truths, unwavering, steadfast, and forevermore.

Chocolate Monday (on a Tuesday that feels like a Monday) - week 8

Image found here. 

If there is one thing I really do love about Easter is how everyone is into chocolate - as much as I am!  And the amount of goodies in the shops! **Swoon**

I must apologise too, for the long absence from Blogger-ville. It turns out I was retrenched from my previous job (much too stressful) and I was securing my new position. The finalisation of the retrenchment was quite sudden because my new company needed me to come in for training and I decided to take my leave in my notice period too. I have had a hiatus from the computer and boy, do I feel all the better for it. Now I am back at work, struggling to get used to a Macbook - I last used Apple computers years ago!

During my leave, I caught up on many chores and admin tasks. I know that sounds about as exciting as waiting for a pot of water to boil, but it was really needed, really! It also gave me time to continue with those dreaded wedding plans like meeting a dress maker and decorators for functions.  My type-A personality feels relief at having more things ticked off my to-list list.

It also gave me time to cook and bake at my leisure - which helped me de-stress greatly. I got back into my exercise routine and started to walk around the stadium track. Seeing the bluest sky, the grass, feeling the wind in my face and hearing the birds while exercising is extremely therapeutic.

The Female Sibling also jetted off yesterday on a holiday to India and Sri Lanka. I asked her to get a few things for the wedding: the invitations, gifts, saris and even my wedding outfit. I am temporarily staying at her house, dog-sitting her Jack Russell and Sausage Dog.  They are much too adorable!

I hope everyone had a lovely Easter break and overdosed on chocolates - perfect time to do so.

Chocolate Mondays have been created to banish Monday Blues, or at least lessen the sting of a new working week.

If I could shut my brain down for a bit, I would

Recently, I've been irritable, listless and needing some down time. Work wise, I have not really taken decent leave since April 2011 and you know what? I think I have reached the end of my tolerance threshold.

December was a crazy, and I mean an absolutely insane month, having taken on some responsibilities of a colleague who had resigned, plus having had new tasks added to that. Burnt-out and frustrated, that is what I am. I am also so annoyed by how companies everywhere are treating employees in this current economic climate - it is really not fair! It makes me want to punch many CEOs!

I have been fantasising about taking leave from my life, even if it is for a short while. Venture off to an adventure where I am anonymous and not accountable. Dangerous, I know. But what is a gal to do? S.O* and I are hoping to set a date for a wedding in March next year - the families will meet this Sunday to discuss it. Yeah, that is how my little ethnic community operates. Sigh. We want to get a house and make it into a home. I want to begin our life, under our roof and I cannot wait for that. Yet, me and marriage go together like wearing a bikini in a snow storm. I feel I am going against my very nature. (If you need to remember just how much I am against marriage, read this post.)

My dreams have also been vivid and downright odd. I've been waking up long before my alarm, recalling them perfectly, only to fall asleep and have the dreams fall through my memory. That makes me sad. I remember one dream could have been a great fictional story and now I cannot bloody remember it. I wish I could kick myself at times.

I have also been reading a lot less that what I usually do. This is not because I have a low supply of books. No, it is because I am too tired in the evenings! When I do read, I manage a few pages, before I realise I am not concentrating and the book is falling out of my hands. Another reason to kick myself!

This post perfectly reflects my state of mind: scattered, unfocused and downright grumpy.If you managed to read it till the end, a huge congratulations to you. Thanks for lending an eye to my venting session.

*S.O = Significant Other

Chocolate Monday: Week 2

Oh my word, this Monday is turning out to be annoying! Even though it is only 6:30am, the following has happened:

• The boom into my office parking lot did not open, after numerous attempts of inserting the access card. So I drove around the block again to speak to one of those attendants. "I will let my supervisor to meet you there," the idiot says. So I wait, and wait, and bloody wait some more. Eventually, I decided to park outside and walk up. Oh, I will have words with that parking office today! 
• The doors of the elevator refused to close. On the fifth attempt, they did though. The fifth attempt! 
• The milk in my cornflakes did not taste good at all. I had to spit it out and throw out my breakfast. I never really knew that Soy Milk can go bad...
• To top all of this off, I only got in about 4 hours sleep last night. I almost feel as if the universe is telling me that is is a day to stay under my duvet, where I can be safe from agitations. 

This Chocolate Monday oozes goodness. And I really need some of that to rub off onto me today. 

Chocolate Mondays have been created to banish Monday Blues, or at least lessen the sting of a new working week.  

Chocolate Monday: Week 1

I was not one of the scant cars on the road this morning, which means most people are back at work today. It could mean more of a shock to your system since it was a pretty long break for most people. I worked right through though, so a holiday is screaming for existence, but that is another blog post all on its own.

Drum roll, please, for the first Chocolate Monday of the new year! I reckon most people will feel like this today, especially today:

Picture sourced from Imgfave.
Chocolate Mondays have been created to banish Monday Blues, or at least lessen the sting of a new working week.  

Well, that's that, then!

What sort of a year has 2011 been? Personally, it's been filled with:
...denial, anger, pain, frustration, bitterness and hurt.
...hiding, isolation, loneliness, solitude and confusion.
...a blur of remorse and tears.
...a fight to keep the threads of my life sewn and to keep on breathing.
...forgetting my passions like writing, cooking, reading and blogging. Thereby forgetting myself too.

And because of all the above, the last two months or so has been filled with:
...rebirth, renewal and revitalisation.
...an re-awakening of all my senses.
...promises to build a better 2012 - and onwards.
...talk of engagements and weddings. (My own! Eek! God, help me!)
...hunting for a place to call home.

So I reckon 2012 has gotta be better - full of those sorta huge life changes. And I hope it is not my misguided optimism at this time of the year. Maybe S.O* and I are on our way to a Happily Ever After.

These two secrets from Postsecret  pulled at my heart:

Finally, a very happy new year to you! May 2012 fulfil every wish and dream, even those in the deep corners of your imagination. Shine and thrive, everyone!

*S.O= Significant Other

Chocolate Monday

This, quite obviously, does not apply to me - I am always eating chocolate. But does this apply to you? Image found here.
Chocolate Mondays have been created to banish Monday Blues, or at least lessen the sting of a new working week.  

Chocolate Monday

If you're a Harry Potter fan, this will make you laugh...and eat loads of chocolate. Image found here.

If you need an explanation, here is how Remus Lupin explains it to Harry:

"Dementors are among the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them... Get too near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you. If it can, the Dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself...soulless and evil. You will be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life." - Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

If a person has a brief encounter with such a creature, chocolate proves to be a good antidote.
Chocolate Mondays have been created to banish Monday Blues, or at least lessen the sting of a new working week.  

Chocolate Monday plus a bit of a rant

These chocolate hearts look simple, happy and appetising - exactly what I need today. Picture found here: Imgfave.

In addition to Chocolate Monday - I will indulge myself in a bit of a rant. I hate over drinking, always did and always will. The last time drank bit too much was 2009. So, anyway, back to this incident. It was a public holiday in South Africa on Saturday - Heritage Day, and also National Braai* Day. S.O** decided to have a little braai. Much to my delight, he bought chocolate vodka. Needless to say I am in love with that drink and will voluntarily have more and more, simply because it tastes like chocolate cake in a shooter glass. But it done me in on Saturday. All my emotional baggage suddenly became hoards of luggage, and dare I say, it was not pretty. That is why I do not like to drink - you loose control and every fear, resentment, threads of hopelessness, dashed dreams and every other negative emotion bubbles to the surface and makes it's ugly self known. I hope to never get into that state again. And I do apologise to S.O for saying things that only stem from my deepest, darkest self. And no more to copious amounts of chocolate vodka!

Chocolate Mondays have been created to banish Monday Blues, or at least lessen the sting of a new working week.  
**S.O - Significant Other 
*Braai - South African term for barbecue

World Addiction Day 2011

Today is World Addiction Day. I have had experiences with addicts and continue to try and support someone close to me with an addiction, so this is a very important topic to me. I live the struggle everyday and it is not easy. And that is what people need to realise - addiction takes over your life. When you decide to stop whatever you're addicted to (be it gambling, drugs, alcohol), that is when the work begins. That is when you live with the consequences of your choices and cope with this mental illness. It becomes your life partner, in a way.

So to all those who have a problem, to those who have loved ones with an addiction, to all those who are clawing their way out of the addiction pit to live some semblance of a normal life, today is your day. Be proud, brave and wise. Let the cycle of lies, stigma, mistrust and dependence end. Start fresh, embrace honesty and be good to yourself. 

More info can be found here: World Addiction Day

Should I be worried?

I'm so OCD that having my play list on shuffle makes me anxious. I've tried but it's better if you know what song will be playing next...better for me anyway.

The flaws of human nature

It is possible that I am one of the last people on the planet to have watched the Stars Wars Sextet but hey, better late than never.

Before I started to watch it, I had to confirm with my two favourite brain boxes on watching Episodes IV, V, VI first and then I, II and III. One said to watch it consecutively, the other said watch it as they were released. Hmm...thanks guys.

So I decided to watch it as they were released. I must say Episodes IV, V, VI were rather simplistic with even simpler dialogue. Bleh...

BUT onto I, II and III! Whoa! Anakin's journey from obscurity to power hungry Sith is captivating. All the while knowing what is going to happen, I will still rooting for him to be good, remain good...very much like watching Romeo and Juliet - you know they're are going to die but you hope and pray that by some twist they won't!

Regardless, I feel a lot of compassion towards Anakin Skywalker for the simple reason that he is so flawed, so subject to his emotions, has much emotional baggage...it made him more human, more accessible. Evil manipulated that to their advantage so they could get the upper hand. But yes, Anakin did chose it himself as well even though he was only trying to protect what he held beloved. He is indeed a tragic hero, and now one of my favourites too.

In any case, seeing the character's demise made me think about how we all approach emotions - it can be so strong and can pull us to do so much - the very high of highs and the lowest of lows. The Jedi Masters, along with many religions in the reality we live in, preach about having that calm centre and disassociating the self from fears and attachments, especially in this physical world. That is something Anakin clearly did not practice. He had emotional baggage from the time he was a child, and I wonder how detrimental it is to people in their normal lives, if they do not deal with their emotional baggage. Are those from dysfunctional homes therefore more prone to snap at some point, if their issues are not resolved, or if they do not make peace with it? Are they at a natural disadvantage with all the chips on their shoulder? Does that mean that people who have led a relatively normal lives from childhood more prone to achieve all that they can, be all they can be? It made me think about being at peace with oneself, truly and fully, lest you go down your own dark path, whatever that may be for you.

Can someone point out the oxygen to me?

As my body clamps down in shock, my lungs forget how to breathe and my brains struggles to make sense of non-sense.

Resolutions - twisted and sick

It is hard to not thing about the new year without new beginnings. Hence resolutions. But they're all about self improvement and blah, blah, blah... I have been tagged to do a deliciously devilish version of resolutions by Standbymind. It is certainly thinking out of the box:

1. I would pack up and leave, start an entire new existence, besides keeping in touch with a few soul mates.

2. Practice the craft.

3. Lock the Family Unit up in a room so they can actually communicate, or start to.

4. If I could get over my fear of drugs - I would be curious to know it's effects.

5. I would like to beat the hell out of some people, till they get some sense knocked into them. (I am usually a non-violent person)

So, who is up to the challenge to expose some of their darkest thoughts?

Damsel in much distress

Yesterday, as usual, I rushed to my car after work. I put the key in the ignition and...nothing. I tried a couple of times but to no avail. I then realised I had left the headlights on for the entire day! MERDE! And DAMN! And every other profanity that will put a trucker to shame! Naturally the battery died. I needed it to be jump started so I called The Sister Person and the Brother-in-law Person because they stay up the road.

By the time they reached my office park, they could not get into the parking lot because there was so MUCH traffic to get out and all the lanes were blocked. Eventually I got 2 security guards to assist me and out of nowhere, these 4 construction guys started to help them. I was mortified and absolutely embarrassed, turning every shade of red and pink known to man, and a few new shades I am sure! They also tried to push start the car, but it did not work. The battery was deader than dead. I think it was already putrefying. One of the security guards then escorted The Sister Person's car against the traffic so the cables could be attached to their battery so mine could charge. It took half an hour to do that then another 45 minutes to GET OUT OF THE PARKING LOT. I eventually stayed at The Sister Person's place, being too tired to drive home.

I hope to find those who helped me and perhaps buy them something to show my gratitude.

I know this tale of misadventure made lots of people laugh yesterday, so maybe you can find a few chuckles too. At my expense, of course.

Oi... *another few new shades on pink and red on my cheeks*

Insomnia - the unwanted guest

For the past three hours I have been trying to sleep. My assistants were called in after a while and both Sleeping Pill1 and Sleeping Pill2 have failed me. I imagine sitting opposite them in a boardroom and saying: "You're fired!"

Hmphhhh...

To do list

Time and thoughts can be one's enemies. They seems to fester off each other when you have an abundance. Since returning to South Africa and subsequently starting my life again (and job hunting) there are times I am exceptionally bored. It is extremely restrictive to be without a car and life feels quite caged in. So there, that is it at the moment...

...but wait, I decided to turn this around. Many people would love to have time on their hands. So part of me knows I am lucky. Though, I've done most of what I wanted to do since coming back, I am going to think deeper about things I always wanted to do but never had time to.

I am also going to formulate a list of possible articles I could write for a job that will come up.

And since cooking soothes my nerves, I will spend more time in the kitchen! Yes, cooking does calm me. Even though there are not many people available to eat what I prepare, maybe I can merely give the food away as well.

I've always wanted to get back into an exercise routine. I managed to tally up my at-home-equipment and I have quite a variety. So, I am going to try to make myself physically strong. My petite frame tends to leave me unable to open many a jar.

Maybe I could even try to learn something new - like tai chi. I went for one disastrous class in London and came away with a book. Better to embarrass myself with me as my only audience.

The Male Parental Unit occasionally allows me to make use of his wheels, so I think I should take full advantage when I do get the opportunity. And no, that does not meet clocking an insane speed limit next to the boundaries on the N1 highway.

And I think I began these changes on a fabulous note today - I made pancakes for breakfast.

Quivering in fear

It's finally been done: my first London party/club experience. And even though I am home before midnight (perhaps that's cos I will turn into a pumpkin! ;p) I feel it was still worth documenting.

Reason for the night out is my boss's birthday. He invited the entire London branch for a night out - all five of us. I thought it would be interesting - in the least - to see the office mates out of the office. And it certainly was...er... different to see them not in front of their computers.

It was fun. I got to see Londoners clubbing. It's almost as if a mask has lifted and an entire new, population has emerged. An entirely dressed up sort of a crowd. Bling and smiles all around!

I wanted to leave before the really really drunken lots of people hit the trains and buses. And I did just that. In way it was quite sad to leave the dance floor so early. But I was also scared of travelling home, on m own, so late at night. Okay, not that late, but late enough for me.

I've never really travelled on my own in SA. And here I was on my own. Coming home from clubbing. A few drinks down the system. And I was still scared as ever to falling victim to crime. My work mates insisted I let them know when I have reached home safely. They are South African too. My question that begs an answer: is this normal? Is it normal to be so scared that you are covered in a sliver of nervous perspiration? Is it normal to speak to your S.O all the way home because then if something goes wrong, someone knows about it? Am I normal in looking over my shoulder all the time and not feeling safe till I lock the door behind me? Even as I type this, I cannot fathom what I just did - coming home alone at this time. My heart is still racing out of my rib cage and I am shaking with nervous energy. Is this what the crime rate in South Africa has reduced me to? A neurotic nervous wreck?